Nº. 1 of  26

No Promises.

“We cannot build the future by avenging the past.”
― T.H. White, The Once and Future King

Posts tagged personal:

TOO FAR. 

TOO FAR. 

Snapchats from my sister have me shaking my head. TOO FAR. 

Psalm 46

1 God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
7 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
8 Come and see what the Lord has done,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
he burns the shields[d] with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth.”
11 The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

“The city was a paradox, though maybe it had always been one. You could have an excellent life here, even as everything disintegrated.”

—Meg Wolitzer, The Interestings

“The city was a paradox, though maybe it had always been one. You could have an excellent life here, even as everything disintegrated.” 
—Meg Wolitzer, The Interestings

I did not die in the desert. Updates forthcoming.

I did not die in the desert. Updates forthcoming.

Tomorrow after work I leave to go home, and early Tuesday morning we fly out to Las Vegas, to drive to Arizona for a week of hiking and backpacking in Zion and the Grand Canyon. Last night Jared came over and brought 5 bottles of wine. After we had taken care of a few of those, during a talk with Mike I finally admitted how afraid I am. Terrified, really. 
I’m generally a very capable person. I can handle a lot, I’m strong, and I have faith in myself and my abilities. I’m also the first person to be honest about my limitations, and guys, I do NOT handle heat well. My pitiful ginger body has a difficult time regulating temperature. Sometimes if I get too much sun at the beach, I’ll vomit and have sun-sickness for a couple days. And that’s just the beach. Things that I would normally be fine at become impossible in 90 degree weather, let alone 120 degree. 
I’m scared. I’ve trained, but I’m scared that it’s not enough and that I won’t be able to do it. There is no easy way out. If I get 5 miles down or 5 miles up and realize I can’t do it, I can’t just call an Uber to come get me. There’s no quit button. Everything at the Phantom Ranch has to be carried down by mules. The NPS, on average, has to rescue someone every day, hundreds of people a year. In 2004, a 24 year old woman who had just finished 31st in the Boston Marathon weeks earlier, died of heat exhaustion on the trails. I can’t even run a marathon. If I had to be rescued by a mule or a helicopter, my dad would probably never speak to me again. 
I realize that people a lot older than me and a lot younger than me make the trip every year. It’s difficult, but the majority of them are fine. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I’m grateful. I’m not sure if being weak makes me scared, or being scared makes me weak. 

Tomorrow after work I leave to go home, and early Tuesday morning we fly out to Las Vegas, to drive to Arizona for a week of hiking and backpacking in Zion and the Grand Canyon. Last night Jared came over and brought 5 bottles of wine. After we had taken care of a few of those, during a talk with Mike I finally admitted how afraid I am. Terrified, really. 

I’m generally a very capable person. I can handle a lot, I’m strong, and I have faith in myself and my abilities. I’m also the first person to be honest about my limitations, and guys, I do NOT handle heat well. My pitiful ginger body has a difficult time regulating temperature. Sometimes if I get too much sun at the beach, I’ll vomit and have sun-sickness for a couple days. And that’s just the beach. Things that I would normally be fine at become impossible in 90 degree weather, let alone 120 degree. 

I’m scared. I’ve trained, but I’m scared that it’s not enough and that I won’t be able to do it. There is no easy way out. If I get 5 miles down or 5 miles up and realize I can’t do it, I can’t just call an Uber to come get me. There’s no quit button. Everything at the Phantom Ranch has to be carried down by mules. The NPS, on average, has to rescue someone every day, hundreds of people a year. In 2004, a 24 year old woman who had just finished 31st in the Boston Marathon weeks earlier, died of heat exhaustion on the trails. I can’t even run a marathon. If I had to be rescued by a mule or a helicopter, my dad would probably never speak to me again. 

I realize that people a lot older than me and a lot younger than me make the trip every year. It’s difficult, but the majority of them are fine. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and I’m grateful. I’m not sure if being weak makes me scared, or being scared makes me weak. 

For real, though. This is some real shit.

For real, though. This is some real shit.

Little things.

When I’m monstrously late for work, I’ll sometimes catch the BART train with the driver who drops relevant historical facts over the speaker with every station stop.

Emotional Crisis of the Moment

Feeling anxious and insecure about being anxious and insecure.

Day one of the juice cleanse. I want a burrito. 
I have a business lunch in an hour and there is going to be so much bread and I am weak. Keep me away from the bar. 

Day one of the juice cleanse. I want a burrito. 

I have a business lunch in an hour and there is going to be so much bread and I am weak. Keep me away from the bar. 

Nº. 1 of  26